There is something interesting happening with me. I hesitate to share now that I know kids are reading - this isn't about girl goats or my female cat Lilith!
But as life is now less about the crisis and I am settling down a bit, I am beginning to feel the need to express the feminine side of me a bit more.
Part of what is making this something I am thinking about is how in this town, as in the ranch I just left, there was and is very little that is "feminine" about either. Being a woman and the energy of the feminine are not the same thing.
It is even appearing in how I see the stuff laying on the ground - even my art is changing!
The truth is, survival mode is all about the masculine - and by that I mean it is an active, dynamic state of being. Food, shelter, and safety of both myself and my animals are always my top priority. Attaining them feel very much to me like a masculine role.
But is also feels like as I let go of my need to be in control of everything I think I need and move into the more receptive, trusting, and allowing state of being (which is really the only way to receive effortlessly) - I am finding I want to also stop wearing my black, stained, and very frumpy sweat pants. And start at least wearing things that don't have a history map of tears and stains on them!
I even unpacked my grandmothers china - a very pretty pink set of dishes - I've been carting around for 2.5 years now and have not unpacked to use.
There are a lot of women like me. We've been on our own for most of our lives and have had to take care of everything. Either because I didn't have money or just like to fix things, I've been the mechanic, plumber, contractor as well as the cook, cleaner, and comforter of the sick in my own life.
In Mountainair I've met more intelligent, tall, powerful women in one place than I think I have ever come across - which is also making me more aware of how I appear to others. The good and the not so good.
This idea of being feminine is very confusing for both men and women. Southern California confused it with a distorted sense of beauty that we see on the big and little screen that is looking more like a clown than not. Soft is often confused with weak. Allowing with being a door mat. Beauty with selling out.
It's just something I've been thinking about. Something I know I have avoided. But if things are ever going to change from trying to control my life versus surrendering it to something that might know more about what I need than I do, this is something that I've got to think about.
And honestly, it feels good this time or maybe at this age. It's still a question I can't answer, but I do know it is something I want to think about - what does it mean to you to be feminine?
Welcome to my Journey!
I'm inviting you to join me on my journey as I seek to find a new way of being in an old set of systems. It's hard, but worth it!